Cruise Comps for Players

'Twas nigh on 12 full moons since Capt. Flushiepants ravaged the high seas of the Caribbean, taking plunder from the casino, and having his way with the Shouty people.

And when I say 'taking plunder' what I really mean is getting my ass kicked from Tampa to Cozumel and back.

But there was method to my financial madness. I was playing the long game to get highly discounted and even free cruises.

The strategy is two-fold - give evidence of offers from places I'm established to cruise lines. Gamble heavy on those cruise lines particularly on the first trip, and parlay that to cheap cruises on other cruise lines.

So, I opened negotiations with Carnival, esteemed worldwide for its physically fit clientele who are wont to throw hands at the tiniest slight, exercising joyfully in a dance of chair throwing, fist flying, leg lifting, and usually pants pulling. As in down. It's all part of the exercise regimen that keeps these folks in tip top shape.

It was a 4 day 'booze cruise' and in spite of the Walmart ambience of the passengers, I enjoyed the experience in the sense that I was on a boat, I was at sea, there was a casino (with free drinkages), and the food was pretty good, if you could elbow your way to the front of the slop line. Naw, actually the food was indeed pretty good. I just like writing disparaging crap that is potentially amusing to scan.

I signed up, showed them evidence of my degeneracy by sending copies of my various casino offers, got some discounted cruise offers from Carnival, booked one, and did my cruise. The out of pocket cost to me for an Ocean View room on the Carnival Paradise was $355.36.

This was pretty much the worst cruise I could have taken - and I knew that (to some degree) at the time. Having never been on a cruise, I wanted to see if I would like it under minimal circumstances.

It was short, populated with hordes of the Shouty Happy People of Autozone, and on a well-aged ship that had much value as scrap. The cruise was a booze cruise - a party run from Tampa to Cozumel and back. Total time on foreign shores? About 5 hours.

The Paradise was launched in 1998, with a passenger capacity of around two and a half thousand. She's plain, old, and worn, and has almost no balconies, but she's seen an endless stream of customers come and go. Kind of like the hookers at the bars in Excalibur.

It didn't take long for the first step in my plan to bear fruit. Offers from Carnival started to appear. Then they improved and appeared as a steady trickle. Once Carnival had processed the fact that I'd lost $1,800 in three days at see the trickle turned into a torrent.

Oh yes, they wanted me back - badly.

Here's an example - 7 day cruise with a Free Balcony Room + drinks everywhere for two. Out of pocket cost for 2 is $473.24 USD. That gets you the balcony room, drinks on board, and all your food.

There are lots of variations in the offers, but basically, on the strength of my play, Carnival is willing to house me and feed me and get me drunk for free. I have to pay the port fees and taxes. And there's the unwritten expectation that I will continue to gamble like a housed, fed, drunken sailor.

Chances that I would ever agree to such a stipulation up front? 0%. Chances that I will do it anyway? 100%.

So now I am well established with Carnival and could potentially book many cruises up front.

But suppose I wanted to try something different, suppose I wanted to be on a higher tier cruise line with a longer, more interesting itinerary?

The answer was to try URComped.

URComped is a business that evaluates players, represents them to various cruise lines, and provides you with offers, all based on your existing casino and cruise offers.

I'll cover that experience in the next post.

Interested in seeing how the Carnival cruise experience worked out?

Pointies Pointies!

I slept in till 9:00 Saturday morning. That's noon at home. Oh well. I didn't have much to do today except check my D Keno ticket, eat, and try not to lose much money.

Day 8 - Saturday Aug 30, 2025 

The trip was as good as over. Speaking of which, when I thought I couldn't hate the Rio more, I almost tripped and/or twisted an ankle stepping into a hole in the floor.

It doesn't look like it but that hole is 3-4" deep - deep enough to accomodate an outlet and some wiring.

I quickly realized there was no way to complain to a person at the hotel, given what happened with the useless lying Rita AI bot. I thought maybe I'd get a survey later that I could respond to and blast 'em that way.

I'd hit about four 4 out of 5s on my Keno ticket, but no 5 out of 5s. It would have some money on it, but was a loser. Kind of like me, I guess. I'll just keep the ticket for next time.

It's been so ridiculously hard to find enough wins to stay above water this trip. I've had a few good ones in the last while, so I suppose it had to catch up with me.

There were a few moments where I thought about seeing if I could change my flight home to an earlier one - mentally, my trip was done. It was going to be a bag over the head swift kick in the pills no matter what I did now. I was just putting in time.

I did my blogging - it looked nice outside, if roasting hot - and swallowed a punishment RX bar for breakfast.

Around noon, I had cobbled together a plan. It was simple. Eat lunch at the Kung Fu, just a couple of blocks north of the Rio, and try to put together a decent session at the Gold Coast on the triple play machine I'd got a Royal on last time I stayed at the Rio.

The Kung Fu super value fly-in-a-circle one wing lunch special runs Monday through Friday only. No matter, I'd be happy to wolf down a full entree-sized portion of the Panang curry chicken.

Does anyone have June's number?

Lunch was delicious, and I demolished it all except for a few million grains of rice.

Next stop, the Gold Coast.

I spotted an ancient White Orchid game on the way in and played out $20 in it. Then I turned to the Triple Play machine - quarter Bonus Poker.

After burning through $80, I put in another hundred and realized it was just dumb to play Bonus Poker at this point. If I wanted any chance at making a dent in my losses it had to be Double Double Bonus with all the premium hands, along with higher volatility.

So, another hundred dollar bill went into the whining, slobbery mouth of the beast. I could hear it digesting it already.

What happened next has a couple of angles to it, or points to be made.

I finally got the kind of video poker session I've been craving this entire trip.

I ended up with 4 to a Royal about a dozen times. One royal would have made a big difference.

None of the hands that take kickers had kickers. No kickers. I am thwarted by this. Never the kicker. Kickerless, me.

The dollar difference between what I got and what I would have got if I'd got all the kickers was a difference of $800. That's $800 based on four cards.

But I've buried the lead. I went on a 3h 15m non-stop video poker bender, and it was magnificent. The only thing missing was that I did not cash out a profit.

Let's have a look:

Pointies!!! $200! No kicker, though.

Fours. No kicker, though.

POINTIES!!! $200. No kicker, though.

Dealt 7s!!! Imagine if this were dealt Pointies with kicker...

This stands in for Deuces. I got distracted and forgot the photo.

If my math is right, that's a total of 3,900 hands of video poker, played 3 at a time (900 pulls). When it was over, I'd lost $200.

But you know, I felt totally satisfied in the sense that I'd gotten some good hands, and I'd played all I wanted to. I really didn't want to play any more and in fact, called it quits for the trip. Of course, the only thing missing was to actually win money.

I drove back to the Rio (across the street) and went to the room to chill for a couple of hours, and pack. Sun was setting and I knew the trip was really over.

I left the room at 8:00 pm, dumped the rental, and was through security by 9:15 or so. My flight was scheduled for 11:35, so I had time in the United Lounge to snack and drink.

They have these really cool gelato machines in the lounge called Solato. Basically, you put an ice cream k-cup in the machine, press a button, and in one minute it curls out a sloppy gelato.

Hopefully, you are ready with a cup to corral the frozen milk treat as it extrudes from the ice cold Solato meatus.

I may not have described this in the most appetizing way.

The frozen icerement exits the beast's tract meatus here and is deposited in the patron's cup here. The operation is completely automatic and minimal wiping is required after extrusion. The patrons are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes towards the rotating knives...

The machine worked perfectly, and the gelato was delicious. It's all natural, featuring no unnatural ingredients or dairy acts.

The rest of it is travel. I got served a trough of Buffalo Trace on the first leg to Chicago, and a sticky bourbon chicken meal (not pictured, it was too dark). Really good meal.

I managed to get about half an hour sleep and we landed in Chicago before dawn. Another lounge, another feast.

There's no way I'm passing up free food.

Our sausages are United.

Next it was a 1 hour flight to Toronto and another half hour nap.

Then I boarded the Union-Pearson express and met my nephew (Divana's lad) for lunch.

My train to Flusherville left at 2:30 and Dwiggie picked me up at that station at 5:00.

I'm not sure how, but I stayed up until 10:30 pm. I really wasn't feeling all that bad considering I was running on 1 hour sleep.

When I crashed, I crashed hard and slept for 11 hours. Monday I took the day off completely, and today, Tuesday, I started to feel human again. That kind of travel rigor takes it out of you.

And with that, the Hot August Tights trip report is done.

There will be no accounting spin - this was the worst trip in terms of gambling I've ever had. That's saying something because I'm up to something like 75 trips.

I did have a really fun and engaging time in spite of the losing. It's all about friends and family and good food (notwithstanding heating a double cheeseburger in the travel kettle).

What's next for Flushiepants?

Well, I was contacted by the service dog folks. They need someone to take care of a 4 month old black lab puppy for a week or so. I said yes immediately.

Strangely, by sheer coincidence, the puppy's name is...

Rita

I've given up on AI. (And in fact, I'm furious with it.) This trip report is now officially named Hot August Tights. I hope that doesn't squeeze your lululemons.

Day 7 - Friday August 28, 2026

I apologize for the disgusting room camping cheeseburger photos from yesterday. I ate 'em but you had to look at 'em and wonder "Why?". To make up for all the punishment meals I've consumed at Encore, I decided to enjoy a hearty breakfast.

Besides, I had a $25 resort credit to burn.

And so, after coffee, blogging, etc. etc. I wandered down to Sinatra, which now serves breakfast and lunch.

It's a beautiful space, and I found myself seated at a beautiful table with crisp white linens and a beautiful view and a cup of real, beautiful coffee.

You may find this odd, considering all the low-rolling I've reported in the blog, but Flushiepants is quite at home in this kind of high end environment. I know where to put my napkin, which thumb to use to stir my coffee, and I don't steal anything off the table.

I stuck with the typical breakfast, but done hoity-toity style. Eggs over hard, sausage links, sourdough toast.

For the first time in a long run of such breakfasts, my yolks were still a bit runny. Ironic, isn't it, that I'm in the finest of restaurants in the finest of hotels, and they fuck up the eggs.

I said nothing. That would put a rift in the experience. They'd whisk away the entire meal, I'd sit waiting like a mook, and they would remake the entire thing, bowing, scraping, and apologizing the whole time.

Then they'd check loudly on the eggs.

"Well sir are your yolks hard enough? ARE THEY? ARE THEY?"

I choked them down with incredible luxurious abandon.

Everything was truly super-delicious. Is that one of those Michelin words? The sausages were nonpareil, although in another fox paw (yes I know, I'm being witty and condescending - it's required at this place!) the sausages were not actually linked.

I deducted another half Michelin star, mentally.

They don't slam an upside down bottle of Heinz on the table, nor do they give you a little rack of jam and marmalade packets, none of which are strawberry.

The three little dishes contained ketchup, a delicious raspberry preserves, and butter at the perfect softness for coating the toast.

I wasn't sure which side of the toast to butter, so I hope I didn't break protocol and slather the wrong side.

The whole meal including coffee and generous tip was $50. That's $25 out of pocket for me and $25 resort credit.

After breakfast, I took a walk over to the Wynn side and checked out the machines. I am pretty sure they gutted all the Keno paytables. They are all 750 for 5 out of 5, not 838 as they had been.

I found 9/6 Double Double Bonus quarters on Spin Poker and played 3 hands at a time. $100 went mighty fast. Was it going to be another one of those days??

My cousins Gambletron and Mrs. Gambletron arrived at the D last night, so I packed up my crap, and checked out of Encore just before 11:00.

Downtown, I parked in the death-defying parkade at the D and found them forthwith.

We had a good ole chinwag in the casino, and then I went off to do a few match plays from the Las Vegas Advisor book BobbyG had gifted me. Thanks, bro!

And Gambletron pointed out that the "Say Hi to Matthew" promotion was still on. That netted me a second $25 match play chip! I also confirmed that the Canadian dollars at par promo is indeed a one time only deal.

At the blackjack table I promptly proceeded to lose both match plays, two in a row. Hmm. Well, I threw another green into the circle and long story short, after six or eight hands, I cashed out up $25, earned the hard way.

I headed upstairs and found a Dancing Drums machine. I did get a bonus but in the end I didn't make anything.

And I bought a 250 game Keno ticket for $100.

Then I headed to the Downtown Grand and did their match play for $50. Dealt a King and a 10, and the dealer stood on 18. Easy money! I played another hand or two and cashed out $225, a profit of $125.

The bartops had the good video Keno paytable so I sat in for a long run at that. I got a bunch of 4 out of 4s but the 5 out of 5 that I needed so badly would not come. I'd loaded up the 5 spot tickets with a 4 quarter bet - if it hit, the total would be a little over $900. But no.

I'd had a really, really good shot at it, playing for almost an hour - but it just won't show.

Back at the D, I joined the Gambletrons at Bar Canada and plunked away ineffectively at 80 cent a spin White Orchid.

Dr. Shiboubou and Mrs. Dr. Shiboubou had surprised his parents, the Gambletrons, by walking on the their plane to Vegas at the last minute. They arrived and we all spent some time catching up.

It's so great to see family in Vegas. Most of mine is cast far and wide, so it doesn't happen very often.

I had a room booked at the Rio for Friday night, and Saturday night - to give me a place to hang while I wait for my red-eye flight out of here. The room was ready and off I went.

There's a Roberto's not far away, so I stopped there and got lunch. Five rolled tacos. Basically deep fried cylinders with a bit of chicken inside. Never had them before, one and done.

I gassed up the rental car - so I guess I got gas in two places. And then I checked in at the Rio. To my surprise, the kiosk thing actually worked this time and spit out my keys.

When I entered my room I found the safe locked. Oh great. This meant I'd have to wait for someone to come up and sort it before I could do much of anything. I did get ice and made a drink though.

The Rio's AI bot 'Rita' had texted me and suggested how helpful she could be. So I texted back about the safe. She said to contact the Call Center.

I used the phone to try to contact the front desk and got... Rita. So I dutifully reported the problem and she said she would put in a request to get it sorted out.

I waited half an hour. Then I phoned in again and asked about my previous request. Yes it was in the system, no stupid Rita could not tell me when someone would come.

She said, "Someone will be there to help you shortly."

I said, "DON'T CALL ME SHORTLY!"

She said, "I apologize for how I put that. Someone will be there... soon."

Time went on. It was well over an hour. I tried the housekeeping line and got... Rita. That got me nowhere.

I phoned the main hotel number and got... Rita. I asked to speak to a human. Rita said "I can help you with anything you need."

I said, "Your mama dresses you funny" or something similar and hung up.

In all, I tried five or six different ways of getting a human. IT CAN'T BE DONE.

After over 2 hours of sitting in my room I'd had enough. I put a note on the door and went down to the lobby. That meant I had to wait in the check-in line in order to speak to someone about the safe.

So another 20 minutes was gone.

I made my case to the Check in Sheila and she went into the back room to actually talk to someone. When she came back, she said someone would be up within 15 to 20 minutes.

I chatted her up a bit, hoping she'd offer me a meal, or maybe a chance to flog Rita to within an inch of her digital life, or at least show her a stern rebooting, but nothing happening. And I didn't feel like begging.

It was only a minute after I'd got to my room that there was a knock on the door. I was hoping it was Rita, but it was a nice fella from Engineering. He had the safe open in about 30 seconds. We checked for gold bars, cash, and coldwater fish, but there was nothing in there.

So I told him my tale and he was very apologetic. And here's the kicker.

They had never been contacted about my safe. Never. I'd been waiting for two and a half hours for nothing.

Needless to say this made me even more furious, but I kept my cool and suggested he needle the front desk Sheila to throw me a bone. He said he'd try.

Finally I could go to the casino and see if I could take some money off of the Rio.

Well, all the video poker has been gutted, and all they Keno payed 750 for 5 out of 5 - the lowest possible.

I played $120 through Dancing Drums and all I got was a weird ass hug from one of the Fu characters.

That was it. Rio is not getting another dime from me in the casino - I'd walk over to Gold Coast next door and play there.

On my way out, I spotted a couple of suits and hit gold - one of them was the director of digital marketing for the hotel.

She was very nice, she listened to my tale of woe, she told me how they were constantly trying to improve Rita's effectiveness, she even touched my arm and apologized for everything.

What she didn't do was ask for my name or room number and throw me a bone.

I'm zero for three in the department and I can only conclude that nobody at Rio gives a crap.

At the Gold Coast I played some Buffalo and some Keno and ate an amazing, freshly made cheeseburger.

But I didn't win a dime.

My only hope now is the 250 game Keno ticket from the D.

Another day in Vegas with no wins. I guess sometimes this is just the way it is.

But I'll tell you one thing - this is officially the worst trip I have ever had in 31 years of coming to Vegas.

It has been a brutal shitkicking.

Oddly, though, I'm not taking it too hard. I've actually had a great time.