Rita

I've given up on AI. (And in fact, I'm furious with it.) This trip report is now officially named Hot August Tights. I hope that doesn't squeeze your lululemons.

Day 7 - Friday August 28, 2026

I apologize for the disgusting room camping cheeseburger photos from yesterday. I ate 'em but you had to look at 'em and wonder "Why?". To make up for all the punishment meals I've consumed at Encore, I decided to enjoy a hearty breakfast.

Besides, I had a $25 resort credit to burn.

And so, after coffee, blogging, etc. etc. I wandered down to Sinatra, which now serves breakfast and lunch.

It's a beautiful space, and I found myself seated at a beautiful table with crisp white linens and a beautiful view and a cup of real, beautiful coffee.

You may find this odd, considering all the low-rolling I've reported in the blog, but Flushiepants is quite at home in this kind of high end environment. I know where to put my napkin, which thumb to use to stir my coffee, and I don't steal anything off the table.

I stuck with the typical breakfast, but done hoity-toity style. Eggs over hard, sausage links, sourdough toast.

For the first time in a long run of such breakfasts, my yolks were still a bit runny. Ironic, isn't it, that I'm in the finest of restaurants in the finest of hotels, and they fuck up the eggs.

I said nothing. That would put a rift in the experience. They'd whisk away the entire meal, I'd sit waiting like a mook, and they would remake the entire thing, bowing, scraping, and apologizing the whole time.

Then they'd check loudly on the eggs.

"Well sir are your yolks hard enough? ARE THEY? ARE THEY?"

I choked them down with incredible luxurious abandon.

Everything was truly super-delicious. Is that one of those Michelin words? The sausages were nonpareil, although in another fox paw (yes I know, I'm being witty and condescending - it's required at this place!) the sausages were not actually linked.

I deducted another half Michelin star, mentally.

They don't slam an upside down bottle of Heinz on the table, nor do they give you a little rack of jam and marmalade packets, none of which are strawberry.

The three little dishes contained ketchup, a delicious raspberry preserves, and butter at the perfect softness for coating the toast.

I wasn't sure which side of the toast to butter, so I hope I didn't break protocol and slather the wrong side.

The whole meal including coffee and generous tip was $50. That's $25 out of pocket for me and $25 resort credit.

After breakfast, I took a walk over to the Wynn side and checked out the machines. I am pretty sure they gutted all the Keno paytables. They are all 750 for 5 out of 5, not 838 as they had been.

I found 9/6 Double Double Bonus quarters on Spin Poker and played 3 hands at a time. $100 went mighty fast. Was it going to be another one of those days??

My cousins Gambletron and Mrs. Gambletron arrived at the D last night, so I packed up my crap, and checked out of Encore just before 11:00.

Downtown, I parked in the death-defying parkade at the D and found them forthwith.

We had a good ole chinwag in the casino, and then I went off to do a few match plays from the Las Vegas Advisor book BobbyG had gifted me. Thanks, bro!

And Gambletron pointed out that the "Say Hi to Matthew" promotion was still on. That netted me a second $25 match play chip! I also confirmed that the Canadian dollars at par promo is indeed a one time only deal.

At the blackjack table I promptly proceeded to lose both match plays, two in a row. Hmm. Well, I threw another green into the circle and long story short, after six or eight hands, I cashed out up $25, earned the hard way.

I headed upstairs and found a Dancing Drums machine. I did get a bonus but in the end I didn't make anything.

And I bought a 250 game Keno ticket for $100.

Then I headed to the Downtown Grand and did their match play for $50. Dealt a King and a 10, and the dealer stood on 18. Easy money! I played another hand or two and cashed out $225, a profit of $125.

The bartops had the good video Keno paytable so I sat in for a long run at that. I got a bunch of 4 out of 4s but the 5 out of 5 that I needed so badly would not come. I'd loaded up the 5 spot tickets with a 4 quarter bet - if it hit, the total would be a little over $900. But no.

I'd had a really, really good shot at it, playing for almost an hour - but it just won't show.

Back at the D, I joined the Gambletrons at Bar Canada and plunked away ineffectively at 80 cent a spin White Orchid.

Dr. Shiboubou and Mrs. Dr. Shiboubou had surprised his parents, the Gambletrons, by walking on the their plane to Vegas at the last minute. They arrived and we all spent some time catching up.

It's so great to see family in Vegas. Most of mine is cast far and wide, so it doesn't happen very often.

I had a room booked at the Rio for Friday night, and Saturday night - to give me a place to hang while I wait for my red-eye flight out of here. The room was ready and off I went.

There's a Roberto's not far away, so I stopped there and got lunch. Five rolled tacos. Basically deep fried cylinders with a bit of chicken inside. Never had them before, one and done.

I gassed up the rental car - so I guess I got gas in two places. And then I checked in at the Rio. To my surprise, the kiosk thing actually worked this time and spit out my keys.

When I entered my room I found the safe locked. Oh great. This meant I'd have to wait for someone to come up and sort it before I could do much of anything. I did get ice and made a drink though.

The Rio's AI bot 'Rita' had texted me and suggested how helpful she could be. So I texted back about the safe. She said to contact the Call Center.

I used the phone to try to contact the front desk and got... Rita. So I dutifully reported the problem and she said she would put in a request to get it sorted out.

I waited half an hour. Then I phoned in again and asked about my previous request. Yes it was in the system, no stupid Rita could not tell me when someone would come.

She said, "Someone will be there to help you shortly."

I said, "DON'T CALL ME SHORTLY!"

She said, "I apologize for how I put that. Someone will be there... soon."

Time went on. It was well over an hour. I tried the housekeeping line and got... Rita. That got me nowhere.

I phoned the main hotel number and got... Rita. I asked to speak to a human. Rita said "I can help you with anything you need."

I said, "Your mama dresses you funny" or something similar and hung up.

In all, I tried five or six different ways of getting a human. IT CAN'T BE DONE.

After over 2 hours of sitting in my room I'd had enough. I put a note on the door and went down to the lobby. That meant I had to wait in the check-in line in order to speak to someone about the safe.

So another 20 minutes was gone.

I made my case to the Check in Sheila and she went into the back room to actually talk to someone. When she came back, she said someone would be up within 15 to 20 minutes.

I chatted her up a bit, hoping she'd offer me a meal, or maybe a chance to flog Rita to within an inch of her digital life, or at least show her a stern rebooting, but nothing happening. And I didn't feel like begging.

It was only a minute after I'd got to my room that there was a knock on the door. I was hoping it was Rita, but it was a nice fella from Engineering. He had the safe open in about 30 seconds. We checked for gold bars, cash, and coldwater fish, but there was nothing in there.

So I told him my tale and he was very apologetic. And here's the kicker.

They had never been contacted about my safe. Never. I'd been waiting for two and a half hours for nothing.

Needless to say this made me even more furious, but I kept my cool and suggested he needle the front desk Sheila to throw me a bone. He said he'd try.

Finally I could go to the casino and see if I could take some money off of the Rio.

Well, all the video poker has been gutted, and all they Keno payed 750 for 5 out of 5 - the lowest possible.

I played $120 through Dancing Drums and all I got was a weird ass hug from one of the Fu characters.

That was it. Rio is not getting another dime from me in the casino - I'd walk over to Gold Coast next door and play there.

On my way out, I spotted a couple of suits and hit gold - one of them was the director of digital marketing for the hotel.

She was very nice, she listened to my tale of woe, she told me how they were constantly trying to improve Rita's effectiveness, she even touched my arm and apologized for everything.

What she didn't do was ask for my name or room number and throw me a bone.

I'm zero for three in the department and I can only conclude that nobody at Rio gives a crap.

At the Gold Coast I played some Buffalo and some Keno and ate an amazing, freshly made cheeseburger.

But I didn't win a dime.

My only hope now is the 250 game Keno ticket from the D.

Another day in Vegas with no wins. I guess sometimes this is just the way it is.

But I'll tell you one thing - this is officially the worst trip I have ever had in 31 years of coming to Vegas.

It has been a brutal shitkicking.

Oddly, though, I'm not taking it too hard. I've actually had a great time.

Flushiepants Austerity Program

For some reason, I woke up Thursday morning at 4:00 am. I waved it off and slept till 7:00 am. Wonderful bed here at Encore!

Day 6 - Thursday August 27, 2026

Jimmy Poon worked with me into the night last night to figure out how to stem the bleeding from the video poker wounds I've sustained during this trip. This morning, I received a detailed package outlining what we discussed and his findings from further research.

Dear Royal Flusher,

The Flushypants Austerity Program is in full swing. We've constructed this initiative to respond with laser like focus to the current economic climate in your gambling wallet.

We are confident that the swift execution of the Plan will result in an increase in negative monetary growth that is within the scope of the current gambling project cycle, resulting in an increase in Customer Delight. You will be happy.

The Plan will be executed in three stages.

Stage 1 - lose less money.

Stage 2 - win more money.

Stage 3 - limit losses and increase winnings.

All of these initiatives can be summarized as follows:

You receive a tiny daily gambling budget, you lose it and you are done.

Best Regards,

James Poon

P.S. I fixed the trip report artwork.

After having my coffee, punishment banana, punishment RX bar, blogging, and loading up my wallet with just $200, I headed to the casino to try my latest 'Get Rich Quick' Keno scheme.

And wouldn't you know it, it started to work!

(Sorry some of the photos don't show the numbers lit up that hit - they flash on and off when the win is over and I caught them at the wrong moment.)

$47

$48

It worked so well that I increased the bets on the eight 5 spot tickets from 1 nickel to 2 nickels, James Poon be damned.

A curious thing happened as a result. It took a long while but my first hundred dwindled down to about 300 credits. I had found that this scheme was very low in volatility, but this had changed.

And then I realized why. I needed to balance the risk with the 4 spot tickets. They hit much more often (either in whole or in part) and I needed to win more on them in order to offset the added bet on the 5 spot ticket.

So I took a chance and increased the bets across the board.

See, the compelling thing about video Keno is that you have fine control over just how you want to go about losing your money.

I was down to a little over 200 credits when I hit a pretty good hand.

$128

$42

I enjoyed a cappuccino while I was playing (like yesterday morning), a button slapper at a nearby slot with a full one foot high wind-up, and a cigar smoking pot bellied golfer named Flack.

When my bladder said it was quittin' time, I cashed out with a $65 profit.

That's right folks, I didn't lose.

I felt like Chinese food again for lunch so I saddled up and pointed the rental car west to China Mama. It seems there are more than one of these and a China Mama Express as well, it seems like Mama might have been straying a little bit. Mama was totally chenille and her old man was a Marine.

Of course, you get a pot of fragrant Chinese tea and water when you sit down - and you get a little comfort pillow for your lower back.

Somewhere along the way, Mama must have realized that the booth benches with their 90 degree back angle were as comfortable as a park bench.

When in Las Vegas, who doesn't have a hankering for hot and sour soup? The beautiful thing about it is that everyone has their own take on it - it's a little bit different everywhere you go.

This version was extremely light on any vinegar notes and very umami-forward with some funky tree ear action.

Yes, I've been reading some restaurant reviews.

For the main course, I order Kung Fu Pow chicken. It came hot out of the walk, along with $1.50 worth of Steam Rice.

And it was delicious.

I really wanted to use the big serving spoon to eat, but that would offend the local clientele.

Instead, I used chopsticks to eat the entire meal. Yes, it was painstaking stabbing each chunk of chicken with one of the sticks, but worth it to 'fit in'. The peanuts were particularly problematic - they don't stab.

When all was said and Kung, I'd finished it all. I left a little Steam Rice for the next guy ding.

The meal was $25 plus tip. I tipped either $4.23, $4.70, $5.87, or the box in front of which Carol Merrill is now standing.

I haven't checked the machines at Wynn yet, but the only Keno I can find at Encore has been seriously downgraded. The 5 out of 5 pays 750, which is about as low as you can find. It used to pay 838, the most you can find.

Fontainebleau has the 838 paytables I'm told, so I thought it might be good to see if I can get enough play in there to trigger some offers. And that's where I went next.

I will re-iterate this, I hate Fontainbleau's parking garage with a white hot passion. What an ill-designed rathole maze it is. And the signage is terrible.

In the casino, I refreshed my expired players cards and got busy. The first machine I looked on did indeed have the good paytable for Keno. No nickels, only dimes. I went at it.

As is common for me this trip, I didn't hit any 5 out of 5s. I hit a four or two, but my first hundred only lasted one Blue Moon beer and 40 minutes or so.

I wandered the floor looking for Dancing Drums and gave Buffalo a spin. In no time I got a bonus that kept adding extra spins until it topped out at 28. Doesn't matter much if the Buffalos don't line up right across the reels. Still, I cashed out a winner.

I did find a Dancing Drums machine and went at it. And I got quite a bit of play out of it. Somewhere along the way, the Fontainebleau kindly gave me a bonus of $25 in free play. Nice!

I played this game for a good hour or so and then cashed out $100.

And that went in to video poker and... as usual, couldn't hit a goddamn thing. Finding it so hard to get quads when I need them this trip!

In all, I'd managed about two and a half hours of play in the casino. Think that might be enough to get an offer?

The artist used gigantic brushes for this.

I've had a problem this trip with using my room card to get in and out of the parking garage. I had to have my keys redone at Encore to fix this and I had the same issue at Fontainebleau using my player's card to try to get out of their Fucking Lot. Not great when there is a line-up of 20 cars behind you.

I tried everything, it just wouldn't work. I pressed the Phone button and started jabbering at the person who answered and they simply raised the gate mid sentence.

I wish the suits would take a look at the loss of goodwill over their paid parking nonsense.

It was at that exact moment that I had a terrible brilliant stupid genius idea!

I headed for McDonald's and picked up two double cheeseburgers for dinner.

Back in the room at Encore, I built a drink or two and relaxed. Was I worried about the burgers getting cold? No, I wasn't. I had a plan. And I wasn't quite hungry yet.

So I wrote the first part of this blog, and then... it was time to try to execute an advanced room camping move.

I chatted Dwiggie.

Hey, you're a smart guy. I have the Portable Beaker that I use for boiling water for coffee. I aim to use it to reheat a couple of McDonald's double cheeseburgers. I've already ascertained that one will fit inside - because it's in there now. But what procedure would you use for heating it without starting a fire or getting cheese everywhere?

Dwiggie responded:

It’s actually very simple. First make sure that the sides of the burger are only barely touching the sides of the kettle. Then take the burger out of the kettle. Then, pour a very small amount of water in the bottom of your air fryer and heat both of your burgers in there, buns at all.

Then make yourself a cup of coffee with your kettle. It’ll probably work.

I just realized you probably don’t have a air fryer there. Maybe use your microwave. Either way, use your kettle to make yourself a coffee.

I replied: You're helpless.

I boiled some water and poured it out, but the sides of the Beaker really weren't very warm, surprisingly. All the heat is at the bottom.

So I boiled some more, and poured out most of it, and then shoved the burger in and left it for a few minutes.

When I pulled it out, it had gotten wet at the bottom, but the wrapping seemed to be intact.

And there was some cheese melting going on and the first half of the burger was actually warm!

For burger number two, I boiled just a couple of inches of water in the bottom of the Beaker and then shoved the burger in. I intermittently turned the thing on and off, and then pulled the burg and turned it over. Repeat.

And this resulted in a fairly warm, if disgusting, burger.

I was really careful because you could easily overheat the kettle if you run it without much water in it.

Was all this fucking around worth it?

Of course. Room camping is an art unto itself. Half the satisfaction is in the genius execution of a stupid plan.

I went to bed will a tummy full of lukewarm burgers, and a happy feeling - I'd lost only $200 today. The Austerity Program was working!

Bank of Shamerica ATM of Shame

I woke up Wednesday morning to a text from Jimmy Poon. It said "sorry :(".

Day 5 - Wednesday Aug 26, 2026

I did about 6 or 7 facepalms before checking the blog. Then I did 6 or 7 more facepalms. 

I sent a screenshot back. And a text. "Your job is to keep me from looking like a fuck-up. I usually don't need help in fucking up. But you've been very helpful. For your punishment, you have to go and get a long dog from Carl at the Dairy and consume it. ALL of it."

I got to the business at hand. I always sleep well at Enwynn. Arise. Portable Bigger El Gustavo in-room coffee. Punishment RX bar breakfast. Blogging. Another hot, exciting morning in the city that never pays out.

My water in Flusherville comes from a well, and in summer, it's always in short supply, forcing me to take Navy showers.

I luxuriated and exfoliated in a 30 minute gushing aquastravaganza de luxe shower. Oh my it was wonderful.

Finally it was time to see if Keno would give me some money. I only took a very small stake downstairs - because I only had a very small stake left.

The cappuccino here at Encore is fantastic. Definitely worth the 50 cent tip to the most beautiful cocktail waitresses in Vegas.

I took my time, sipping my cappuccino and enjoying Keno's repetitive electronic dinging sounds firing white hot boredom straight into my synapses. I knew I was truly alive, one disappointing game after another.

Still no big winner and with my mini-stake used up, I went back to the room to get the car keys and headed out on the drive of shame. Destination: Bank of Shamerica ATM of Shame. The one on Spring Mountain.

It was almost lunchtime, so I navigated my way downtown to Letty's on Main Street. I've wanted to try the birria ($22) there for a while. Well, it did not disappoint.

Everything was tasty, and the braised beef was super tender, happily swimming in a hot bowl of rich sauce. You get a few tortillas if you want to make a taco, but there's way too much beef to consume the whole order that way. Get that fork and spoon busy and dig in.

Gut Fiero has eaten here - but I tried not to hold it against them.

I put a pin in the map in Flusherville - can you spot it?

Totally stuffed, I rolled into my now about to spontaneously combust car and... started driving. And sweating.

To where though?

My thinking on this trip was to focus on enjoying myself and not cutting corners. So many trips I've worked so hard to save a buck here and there, often at the cost of quality of (vacation) life.

And I applied the same devil-may-care approach to my gambling budget. I wanted to play a lot more, and play more higher denom video poker, in hopes of hitting some decent hands and maybe a long-elusive dollar royal.

It's been a long while since I played this heavily and it's great - except when the wins don't come.

I'm now edging into 'uncomfortable' territory so I have to throttle the gambling down and make better choices. Get back to basics and find those wins.

With this calm, submissive hot dog state of mind, I just... drove. The last thing I wanted to do was rush back to the hotel and start pounding the machines again. There's so little to play at Enwynn.

I drove west on Bonneville and onto Alta and imagined what it would be like to live in one of the huge properties behind the intimidating walls. I wondered if I drove past Billy Gibbon's place.

An idea came to me and I punched in a destination on the screen - Durango.

Perfect. And it was only 8 hours away. The instructions came: "Fill up the car with gas immediately, and get the hell to California."

I punched in another destination on the screen - Durango casino.

The instructions came: "Fill up your wallet at the ATM and head south."

"Thanks, fake Siri," I said.

Durango is that new Stations property that opened way in the southwest part of town, not far from the mountains. It took 25 minutes to get there because I had a long run on surface streets before I hit the 215.

It was pretty nice inside, I guess. Everything was shiny and new, lots of tile and stone. 

First thing, I was greeted with banks of good video poker, clearly labeled. I knew where I'd end up after walking the property for a look.

I stopped at Buffalo to see if my Stations card worked. It did, but my points and everything were all 0s. They do love to zap you if you don't play for a while.

And Buffalo fucking sucked. I dropped $40 in about 3 minutes. What was I doing??? This wasn't part of the plan.

CASH OUT. MOVE ON.

There was a huge line-up for Irv's burgers - they were flogging 80 cent burgers because Irv finally turned 80 or something. When I say huge, I mean a couple of hundred people, some of whom would drop dead from hunger before they ever caught a whiff of a dirt-cheap burg.

There's a pretty great food court with lots of interesting outlets - except... the prices are like strip prices. Is this place an off-strip locals joint? $14 and $16 sandwiches. That kind of thing.

I didn't pay much attention to the table games so I don't know what the limits or paybacks were like.

I played a few other things to no avail, and then my mission became... for the love of God get a win on video poker.

I chose quarters, and picked a game with some higher premium hands but not too crazy higher.

In all I played for an hour and a half or so. It went really well!

POINTIES!!!

I cashed out the $300 ticket and put a hundred in. I was bucking for just one more quad to put me positive for the day. And I had so many chances too with a bunch of three-of-a-kinds dealt, but just couldn't get over the hump.

It was really nice to not be losing my shirt again.

I thought I'd get a drink for the road so I headed for the gift shop. As soon as I saw the place I got that $$$ feeling. There were a couple of coolers at the back filled with bottles - and no prices. This is a bullshit strip game and I wasn't playing. I just turned around and walked out, harrumphing at the staff.

Overall I wasn't really impressed with Durango. It is kind of like a big box version of a fairly nice casino. I didn't see much there that I would want to make it a destination for.

And drink service was abysmal. One offer in over an hour and a half.

Driving back to the strip, it rained a little bit. No idea how that was possible in the heat.

I figured I had better get some food for dinner in the room, otherwise I'd be wandering Wynn trying to decide which $40 entree to spring for. The slice of pizza? The club sandwich? 

Anyway, I found a Von's and picked up a few things. Some berries, some bananas, and a tub of what was labeled as rib tips.

Maybe a cheeseburger (with cheese)?

Back at Encore, I got ice, built a drink, and relaxed for a while.

When I dug in to the 'rib tips' what I found were old, dead, leftover, unsold ribs - dry, tough, horrible and slathered in sauce to hide that these neanderthal meat sticks were closer to jerky than they were to ribs.

Fuck you, Von's. Ribs: fail.

#DisgustingFoodPics

I barfed down a few of the desiccated pig sticks and threw the rest far, far away. At least the berries were good. And I supplemented my protein with a too-large helping of toffee peanuts.

Traveler in hand, I headed to the casino with a severely limited budget. Destination Kenoville, motto 'Too exciting for the most stalwart of Senior Gamblers'.

I'm determined to get another 5 out of 5 before this trip is done!

I sipped my drink and pounded the button, playing one of my usual patterns. And then I remembered an idea I'd had lying in bed the night before.

I made a 3x3 square out of four groups of four spots. Then I added four groups of six. This made for a very low volatility setup. And then I thought I better add a card with all 9 spots - just in case. And after a while I thought I better add two 5 spots - criss crosses through the center.

There are so many small hits that your budget lasts a long time.

And then I thought, what if I make eight groups of 4, one starting on each of the 8 numbers. And then added eight groups of 5. And then... and then... this is the problem with these complicated Keno setups. I was betting 34 credits a spin.

And it went out quite quickly. Oops.

I really wanted to try this out properly and thought I'd drop from 2 credits a card to 1 - 17 credits a spin. And so I rushed up to the room to get one more hundy, and rushed back and...

...some mook was on my machine. FUCKER.

Now what?

Double Top Dollar.

Hey, whaddaya know, I was up $34.

I wandered the Encore casino, looking for something to play. Nothing but mile high video screens, almost no video poker anymore. Mook boy was still on my machine.

I saw something familiar - Dancing Drums, a name I know from the Wynn slots game.

Might as well give it a try at 88 cents a spin.

I played down to just under $100 without anything much happening and I got a bonus round. I had no idea what was going on.

(Anyone - which is the best game to pick? I went for the 5x5 10 spins.)

Anyway, I won a decent bit of money, so that was pretty cool.

And the bonuses kept coming in! When I was done, I'd reclaimed $99!!!

And with that, I headed to bed, feeling really good about the day. I hadn't won money, but I'd lost only $200, which was actually pretty reasonable for the amount of fun I'd had. Plus I'd had the fun of flinging the savory rib tips through the secret Encore tower open window, right into the pork cochon of the Tower Suites.

I'm going to try like hell to pull out a winning day tomorrow. And a better dinner.